Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Don't know how to get through this i can't get over the guilt HELP ME PLEASE!?

My nephews 20 year old father committed suicide just 5 hours ago. He felt so alone and hopeless that he hung himself in his aunts basement. Now i didn't hate him but because of some words we had had between us i had said and done some mean things to him since than, such as making him sit outside to visit his son because i was angry with him and didn't want him in my house, or making him feel unwelcome when i did let him stay with me because he had no place else to stay. But i did still care about him i was just angry and this was my petty way of showing it i guess.This was awhile back and me and him haven't even spoken since last christmas where we were very civil to each other because i was over being angry by than. However now the guilt is overriding me i have cried so much my face is raw because he has had such a hard life he really did as a child he was abused, molested, bounced through foster home to foster home. And as an adult he has struggled with drugs, trouble, and mental illness, i just keep seeing him and imagining how alone he must have felt, and i feel i am one of the reasons he felt so unwanted and unloved in this world that he didn't want to live in it anymore. I know that isn't realistic with all the other stuff he has had happen to him but i just want to take it all back and tell him how sorry i am and that he is cared about and its too late and its killing me.He was only 20 years old and he felt so unwanted and hopeless that he endured the suffering of hanging for 45 minutes before he was found, i cant get that image out of my head it will haunt me forever. How do i at least let go of enough of the guilt that i can move on enough to cope? I am a single mom of four kids and i have really not been all that much good to them since i heard the news cuz i cant stop crying for more than 5 minutes at a time. I think i have post partum on top of this and i'm just a real mess right now as you can probably tell. I wish i could just go back 5 hours and call him and tell him he's not alone, i know what it feels like to feel all alone and i wish i hadn't let him feel that wayDon't know how to get through this i can't get over the guilt HELP ME PLEASE!?
I know that you don't wanna hear this,but when a person goes threw so much there sole can't take the pain anymore and i'm sure he wasn't thinking about hurting any of you but that he didnt want to hurt anymore.I'm sure you have done everything in your power to help and make him see but that's called tough love and he knows that you did all of things you have done because you really loved him,you will also have time to tell him the things you want he will hear you and he will forgive you,he is truely in a better place where he can;t hurt anymore and you should not feel bad or guilty,you do have 4 lil lives in front of you that need you more than anything and they hurt to ,to see there mama hurt so bad.Go give them a hug and thank god that you do have control over there lil lives ok,good luck and I will pray for your strenght and this too shall passDon't know how to get through this i can't get over the guilt HELP ME PLEASE!?
If he hadn't committed suicide then you wouldn't have felt guilt at what you did, right? That's because you didn't do anything wrong. Don't blame yourself for his choice, what he did was unfair to you and your family. Although it's not ideal, perhaps some anger at his selfishness might help to replace the guilt.
Go get councelling and talk it out with trusted friends or family. It is not your fault but we all take burdens on ourselves that seem to magnify the more we think about it. You have your children to think of and have to be strong! So turn all the guilt and negativity around and be positive towards your children and make a difference in their lives. Take a tragedy and make it into something worth while in your life so that you can direction make yourself the best you can be...

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