Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I think Satan is trying to talk to me through these bananas! What can I do?

I bought a bunch of bananas two weeks ago and they were a pretty green colour, sort of like a granny smith apple. I set them out on the table, and I thought they looked real nice. Well, I forgot about them, but a few days later after I came home from senior bingo, I noticed that the bananas weren't green anymore! They had turned yellow, like they had a fever!

I studied the bananas, wondering what it could be that was causing this, and when I picked them up, they felt warm, and DON'T try to tell me it had anything to do with the heatwave that started here last week, because I have bought a LOT of bananas over the years! Bananas are good for you and keep you regular! DON'T LAUGH, because it will happen to you one day, you know! One morning you'll wake up at the age of 74 and be so constipated that you feel like you're going to explode like Bristol Palin's Chastity belt! I bet you'll want some bananas THEN, now won't you?!

What was I saying....? Oh, YEAH! These bananas are evil! Every time I buy bananas at the store they are nice and cold from the produce section, but these bananas felt warm in my 93 degree apartment. Think that's hot? Well, you just wait! When you get to be my age, that's cold! The only thing that can warm you up would be one of my wife's hot flashes, which are so hot they could melt tupperware! Boy, those were the days, when my wife was hot-flashing, and we could afford tupperware. I was warm and I could put bananas in a tupperware container, and believe me, I DID.

It makes me so mad, Satan messing with my bananas! It wasn't long before the bananas got all spotty, like the devil was trying to tell me, ';Look, these bananas have liver spots, and SO DO YOU!'; That is just rude, but I never have known Satan to be polite. Would it be so much for him to drop a line every now and then? He never calls and never writes! It stinks to be old and forgotten, believe me! All I get these days is a wife with more flatulence than a herd of cows and the devil messing with my bananas!

Today these bananas are all black, and there is liquid stuff forming in a pool underneath them. Why does Satan have to ruin my bananas?! Oh sure, if I did his bidding, then he'd leave them all nice and pretty! Well, I'm not going to listen to Satan, despite his holding my bananas ransom! It's getting pretty bad, though. This morning he sent a bunch of fruit flies, and they are all over this banana sludge. It makes me so MAD, banana liver-spotting, fruit fly-sending Satan! What did I ever do to him?! Is this how I get repaid for a life of faithful service, huh?! It really stinks, and this morning I wanted some nice sliced bananas to put on top of my oatmeal! If you think I'm putting devil bananas on top of my oatmeal, you're WRONG, so there!

Know what you get when you have a wife who eats a devil banana and more than her fair share of fruit flies? A woman possessed by the devil's diarrhea, that's what, so THERE!I think Satan is trying to talk to me through these bananas! What can I do?
Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ah! Snort, gasp, cackle, hahahahaha, oh my, I haven't laughed this hard in a week! That was great, and the answer with the Mrs Butterworth's syrup bottle, priceless!!!

I hope this doesn't get deleted.I think Satan is trying to talk to me through these bananas! What can I do?
Great stuff - and funny as heck. I didn't ';star'; it because I didn't wanna unwittingly flag it for deletion. WAY TOO GOOD TO BE DELETED.

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Pray to God that he may deliver a holy pineapple to battle against your unholy bananas.
Sarcasm is the devil's best friend.
I think the bananas have gone bad.

You also may want to adjust the foil in your hat at this time.
Napoleon Bonaparte


I don't know what to say except:

I am truly sorry for your spotty bananas.
Thanks. That was funny.
I am satan here to talk to you ooooohhhhhhhhhh I am gona git you
'I think Satan is trying to talk to me through these bananas! What can I do?'

Don't slip up in your answer!
Bananas? you good that's just the devil not satan
eat them...............................
I know your pain. Satan's talking to me through the Mrs. Butterworth's syrup bottle. She keeps telling me to do bad, bad post cannibalistic questions about my baby niece that get VNs within a couple of hours. She wants me to lose another account, I just know it. Do you think that maybe she's conspiring with Satan to make your nanners all sick and stuff? What other rational explanation could there be???

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