i need to not tell my son he is being bad and i need to have fun time with my kids and them not have to paick up the toys and games after wards. I need to clean up after everyone instead. I need to not nag at my husband for ever spending time with our kids and me since he is always working and sleeping. I was pretty much told that I need to not be irritated that I have defiant kids that dont have any since of cleanliness and I just just be fine with it. so how do i pull this off for the rest of my life?
how do I put on a act that I am happy being a servant to my husband and my 3 kids on top of cleaning up after my self?
how do I act happy 24:7 with out showing that I am truely miserable?
I know I will have atleast once a week when my husband is at work in the middle of the night and the kids are asleep at 3am where I can just cry and cry and cry but is that really enough to get me through turning my self into a fake person on purpose??How do you play fake mommy and wife to make everyone else happy?
You cannot change the world, just your reaction to it
Find a new counciller! There is a happy medium to be found this isnt anywhere near it!!
When I felt I was maid rather than Mum we readjusted by:
Kids: With advance warning so they know whats expected %26amp; consequences: Toys with little pieces are palyed with in their bedroom wher younger child isnt allowed unsupervised. Any toy/pieces left in the lounge room etc are removed , put them in a box %26amp; return them after a week. If it happens again confiscated for 2 weeks , 3rd time theyre off to charity. Stick to it you'll donate maybe twice..
Bedroom , if I can close the door I will through the week. Come weekend you WILL clean it before going to friends houses etc. Clothes not put out to wash will not be washed. They WILL take plates from the table to be washed %26amp; wash them (or load washer)
If your son is misbehaving he needs to be pulled up on it, better now that at 14yo ( I have one of them, very trying sometimes).I dont know that telling him 'he' is bad is productive. We always called the 'action' bad. I m sure he is a good child, just makes some bad choices. Explain to him whats not acceptable and why. It is bad when you do this because this could happen, or that was a bad decission/choice because... Just remember he is a child %26amp; doesnt have your thought processes, so will not always see what you think is glairingly obvious. Choose your battles if its little %26amp; has its own consequences (that of course wont see him to hospital) ask him not to do it because... if he doesnt listen let him find out the hard way. I found with my boy when I spoke they often heard '; no no no blah blah blah'; the above actually seems to translate my words into boy speak!
Growing up in an all girl home I never listened %26amp; thought it was a cop out when people told me boys are different to girls. Then I had 2 and hmmmm I owe some apologies for assumtions past made. My boys will totally subconsiouslstep over an errant toy, ask them to pick it up %26amp; they say what?, ';that toy';, where? My daughter can spot a crumb on the floor from the next room!
I used to totally stress over what youre describing. I learnt to allocate responsibility.If Im doing something for the family %26amp; Hubbys watching TV the kids will walk past Dad to come to me for help. I ask what Dads doing %26amp; send them to him, he often (always) says what did Mum say, My reply , Im busy doing this could you help please Daddy. Then Im not the bad guy for saying no (again), Im not trying to do everything %26amp; Hubby becomes more involved by default.
Talk to your Husband too explain how youre feeling %26amp; how its impacting your familys relationships. Ive had mine tell me to just relax its not that bad. He also works 14 hr weekdays %26amp; most Sats on admin at home so doent see most of it just a frazzled stressed out me screaming on weekends. He started to realise It was that big a deal when I stopped killing myself to do everything. His office a mess oh well, he did it, his area, he now fixes it. Didnt you get blahhh from the shops for me today? No sorry I did ABCDEF instead, I'll try to make it tomorrow but I DO need to do ABC as well.
When you move yourself up the priority list the others will notice and respect it. You just need to do it productivly. If help is recieved reward it with your time %26amp; praise. If they dont help when they ask for (incidental) help or to play let them know, sorry Id like to but I need to ..... because no one else did.
Imprortantly DO make time to play with them. Our children ARE our work, not the cause of or interuption to it. Accept that you have a home that isnt always going to look like its a magazine shoot, be rewarded by the smiles that COULD be.
You can not change other people, just your reactions to them. It takes time %26amp; practice but it makes your world a happier place.
Good Luck :)
ADD:
Ok not putting the cap on the toothpaste is just lazy :(
Mine would be getting called to the bathroom to put it on. They will protest that it would have been easier for you to do it but remind them had they done it 1st you wouldnt have needed to %26amp; your task was interupted because of it, so you interupted them. They tend to remember better when you dont pick up the slack %26amp; they are inconvenianced.
Try an end of day packup. I work on 5pm toy pickup , 5:30 baths start, 6dinner ,7 dishes ,7:30 family board game or tv or individual QUIET activity, 8pm 1st one off to bed, other tv or reading til their respective bedtimes. This isnt run to the minute but everyone knows baths start at 5:30 or dinner is late etc %26amp; its their leisure time thats cut back because bedtimes rarely shift.
If the toys are in their room, I agree with Hubby, just close the door %26amp; sigh there are bigger battles to fight. Toy collections really start to thin out around 8-9yo so youre in the home straight now Ma.How do you play fake mommy and wife to make everyone else happy?
what i think you need to do is get your child a new counselor! that is ridicules, the counselor is basically telling you to roll over and be a doormat and let you children run to house...yea..that's really gonna fix things :S
that is rediculous. they need to be cleaning up after themselves
Your children need to be cleaning up after them self. My children are 5 and 3 they clean up after them self.... I am a pre-k teacher and that is a self help skill that the children have to learn is clean up after them self. My children know that if they dont clean up after them self or they dont play. They will just sit on the couch or go out side... My children learn to clean up after them selves at 2. We still help my son a little, but he does most by him self.
Seriously, time for a new counselor. You should NOT have to pretend to be happy to make everyone else happy.
You should also get a counselor for yourself to help you overcome some of this. You are at risk of being depresed (if you are not already--I would be in your situation). You also might need to find some compromises to make family life work for you. You are not a servant to your husband and children, and you should not be expected to be such. Being a mom is hard work, but we serve out of love. AND you are doing a good thing teaching children responsibility. You may also want to take your husband to counseling so you can talk with him about how you feel, and address the ';always working and sleeping'; issue you are having. Perhaps he sees things differently.
You should definitely have fun with your kids. You can do things outdoors that don't need to be picked up. And if they want to do something that DOES have to be picked up, set the rule that they will be picking up with you right after you are done.
Try picking your battles with your children. i.e. they can have their rooms any way they want, and they don't have to pick up except like once a month (or twice a month...just for sanitary issues), BUT they must keep their doors shut, and they cannot have the baby in their rooms. Shared spaces in the house MUST be kept picked up. Just let them know that if you have to pick up their things, you will throw them away.
You will just have to find what works for you...and it will be a process. Good luck.
Whoever told you all this obviously has no idea what they're talking about.
I don't have children myself, and I am in no way a child expert, but I have worked with a lot of kids. I watch a lot of Dr. Oz, haha.
There is one thing this person said that I agree with, telling kids they are ';bad';. I don't think this is a productive way of teaching kids what is right and wrong. They need to know what happens when they do something wrong, their consequences, and what happens when they do something right, the rewards. They also need to understand that everyone in the household needs to work together to have a happy (and clean) environment. It doesn't matter how old a child is! They could be one or ten years old, it's never too late to start working on behavior and the responsibilities they should have. It might seem like a lot of hard work and effort to make changes now, but of course they will take time, but you won't regret it. Try things like creating a schedule for each individual child. Kids like to show they can do things by themselves, and they are proud when they can show ';Look what I did all by myself!'; Create a list of things to do right when they wake up...Step 1.) Eat breakfast Step 2.) Brush teeth....etc etc. Whatever you do in your day. Having a routine is very important, consistency. Whenever they do something right they get a sticker next to the sctivity, and if they do everything in a day, or everything in a week, your choice, they get something they really want (YOUR choice) like a family movie night they pick out, or some dessert. This is all up to you. When they don't do what they're told or don't complete a task, you need to make sure you follow through with a punishment. In my opinion, this should never be something like a spanking or physical. More like a time out using a timer, or something else that teaches them why what they did was wrong, and give another try.
You, your husband, and all your children need to work together to create a happy environment in your home, so EVERYONE can be happy (including YOU!!)
:-)
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